My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
