i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
