It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
