I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
