cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
