idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
