My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
