then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
