You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
