Your mouth is God's brothel.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
