he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
