So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
