Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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