you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
