Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
