I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
