Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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