Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize