The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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