I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
