Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize