I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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