He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
