Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
two words: eviction party
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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