No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
