His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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