Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
