she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
