dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Randomize
