What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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