wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
