that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
