Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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