Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
