Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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