I just made out with a guy for $7.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize