So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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