So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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