im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
