You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
