im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
