and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
