beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize