whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
