I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
