the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
