On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
