my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
