we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
