it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
