Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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