i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
NoShamevember. You game?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
