I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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