Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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