Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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