his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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