Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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