I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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