If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
