Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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