The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
