Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
