what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
