Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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