im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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