So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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