got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
