I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What a dumb baby whore.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
