i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
