I faked an abortion last night.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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