It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
