Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
