we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize