forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
